Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Not Sleeping at night

This is getting serious.

I actually couldn't sleep last night because I am so unhappy with the current situation. It seems like I'm constantly reading of people having baby girls who don't want them or who didn't want to be pregnant in the first place (and really isn't in a situation to have a baby right now).

I feel like I resent my boys because I don't have a girl. I don't know if that's true or not. I feel like I could be a better mom if I had this hole filled. But that's just stupid, right? Having another child would just add to the stress and make things harder, right?

I used to put myself to sleep dreaming about a little girl. I have to stop that. It's only making things worse. I can't have a little girl so stop dreaming about it.

DH wants a vasectomy. I haven't said no. If he doesn't want more kids then I can't make him. But I know that when he does, a part of me will die. Right now, there is always that slim chance that I could get pregnant. If he has a vasectomy, that slim chance will be pretty much nil (yes, I know people who have gotten pregnant after a vasectomy, but they aren't that common).

I hate myself for feeling like this. And I don't feel like it's something I can discuss with DH because I knew going into the marriage he only wanted 2 kids. It wouldn't be fair to make him make a choice like this when he already told me his choice.

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