Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Mirror of Erised

My boys, like most boys their ages, are really into Harry Potter. I managed to resist the craze until we got them the books and I read the 1st to them while on vacation.

The Mirror of Erised, as fans know, shows not just your reflection, but your reflection with your heart's desire.

Wow! Wouldn't that be nice to have.

I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like something is missing from my life. I don't know what it is. Is it a different career? A different house? A luxury item? More education? The baby girl I've never had? I don't know. And like most things, I feel that if I just guess and make the change, I'll find that the hole is still not filled and I may be even less happy (or poor) for the change I made.

I like my life, but something is still missing. My dreams won't tell me what it is. Maybe this is why I blog, to free associate until I figure it out.

The baby girl. I always assumed I'd have a girl. I bought my wedding dress with future weddings in mind (my daughters' and granddaughters' - not mine). I collected books, hair doodads, movies, etc with the thought of little girls in my life. Hyperion was supposed to be a girl. That's what the ultrasound said, that's what my body said. But he's a boy. And he's a marvelous boy. I wouldn't change him for all the world. About 2 weeks after he was born I was hit with this major grief, my girl was gone. It was almost like I had been expecting twins and lost one at birth (I know it's not really comparable, I can't imagine the grief of actually losing a child, but it's the best example I have). I gained a marvelous boy, but I lost my girl.

DH has always only wanted 2 kids. I knew this before I married him. And I was fine with it, because I always expected to have a girl. But, emotionally, physically and financially, I can't handle another child. My 2 kids drive me up the wall daily and have me so physically exhausted that the thought of a newborn (or being pregnant) almost gives me anxiety attacks.

Is this the hole? The something missing? Or if I did have a girl (and how would I guarantee that?) would the hole persist and I'd find myself just more exhausted and stressed (not to mention poorer)?

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